The world is lazy

But you and me

We're just crazy

So when I'm with you

I have fun

Yeah, when I'm with you

I have fun

- Best Coast, "When I'm With You"

Scanning Feministing on a Friday night, I came across this piece calling for an end to the dichotomy between "casual sex" and monogamous relationships. The author says that every sexual experience can and should be intimate and meaningful, and that just because it doesn't happen within a committed relationship doesn't mean it shouldn't be positive and healthy. The idea hit home because, as I've mentioned before, I've been dating a man "casually" for about nine months now.

To his credit, he's never called it "casual"--just "not exclusive." It's certainly never been casual to me. And I think that's one of the problems I've had with our relationship (or lack thereof): the fact that he has never volunteered to be exclusive or to make me his girlfriend has made me feel as if he doesn't value me as a sexual and emotional companion.

But I know that's not true. He's hung out with me once or twice just about every week since we started seeing each other; he's let me share his bed on dozens of nights; he's introduced me to his parents and told me private details about his past and his family; he's invited me to events at his temple; he's engaged with me in countless stimulating conversations about politics and music and film and our personal responses to the world. And when I'm thinking clearly, I know that our connection is about all of these things, not the fact that we have a lot of sex but no Facebook relationship status to prove it. We've been open and honest with each other even at times when we were taking advantage of the non-exclusivity of our situation, and I'm deeply grateful for the time we've spent together.

That doesn't make it any easier for me that he's free to sleep with other girls--and if no sex is casual, then that isn't, either. But although I do still hope for long-term monogamy (with him or with someone else), I have to remember that I am lucky to have what I do. "Casual" or not, we respect and care about each other, and I'm happy every day for that.