Dance Russe

If when my wife is sleeping

and the baby and Kathleen

are sleeping

and the sun is a flame-white disc

in silken mists

above shining trees,-

if I in my north room

dance naked, grotesquely

before my mirror

waving my shirt round my head

and singing softly to myself:

"I am lonely, lonely,

I was born to be lonely,

I am best so!"

If I admire my arms, my face,

my shoulder, flanks, buttocks

against the yellow drawn shades,-

Who shall say I am not

the happy genius of my household?

- William Carlos Williams

One good thing, anyway, is that I'm not trying so hard anymore to get certain people to like me. I am supremely comfortable with the friends I do have, the friends who have always been there for me, and I'm not trying so hard to connect with people who never really wanted me in the first place.

(Of course, it's not that simple because I was friends with those other people once; they actually did say kind and caring things to me; but that's over now so it's okay. I'm done with that and I won't chase something that's gone.)

And I really do feel comfortable with almost all of the people around me, and I'm happy to know them. It's great to laugh and be silly and talk about the future and talk about the past. I feel closer to certain friends of mine than I have in a long time, and it's wonderful.

The only thing that worries me is that maybe all of this peace with most areas of my life is a result of one leg of the tripod, the romantic/sexual leg, being "taken care of." I have someone, and I'm happy with him, so I don't have to go looking for prospects in Rockford or at work or in my friends' lives, and I can just relax and enjoy those things on their own.

But that creates a problem: if that leg buckles, if it goes wrong and I no longer have my rock of regular physical contact and honest conversation and a date to movies and concerts, then will everything else collapse, too? And even if things stay as they are, can I handle all of the intensity and pressure focused on this one part of my life?

Somehow when I'm home in Rockford I always end up staying up late, hours after everyone else has gone to sleep, just binge-eating and watching TV and clicking around online. I used to do this when I lived with strangers my sophomore year of college, too. It's partly just needing alone time and partly making myself as tired as I can before bed so I don't lie awake thinking too much.